Hope.

  The agony and bewilderment with which I awoke after a tossing half sleep. It was a tad cumbersome to fall asleep last night after a nightmarish affair, I was devastated. My initial reaction to my problem was to cry, but I guess it did not come in handy. It has been a while since I felt this way, I suddenly became indecisive of my choice and regretted every decision I made. Almost felt like I have disappointed everyone, including myself.

  "What's your dream?" I baffled whenever I've been queried the same question. My answer was still in the middle of an oscillation that had many pro's and con's, I was torn apart. I have big dreams, massive to be precise! However, I have to muscle my way through various obligations to achieve it. It's tough in my perspective especially when you don't want to let your parents down and of course, yourself.

  Ever tried so hard that in the end, it just didn't work out? Everything shattered into pieces. All your hard work is in vain. Yet, you thought to yourself, "I should have tried harder." but it trickled back. I mean how many times will take to get it right? The harder you try, the worst it gets. Then I learn to never force something that is not meant to be. For example, setting a target you'll never reach.

  Giving up hope is the easiest thing to do but the aftermath of it is definitely hard to cope. It is with that kind of fear that I begin loosing the optimistic side of me. I have, as it were, a strong determination that is about to disappear. A few impression stand out vividly from the times I merely gave up and of course the lessons I have learnt from it. I wish I could have forgotten it but it came haunting me whenever I tried. I demurred I would ever brush aside away.

  Driven by demons, I could drive those around me to fury and despair. I let everyone down, especially the ones who had hope and faith in me that I would somehow make it in this fast pacing world. At first it didn't hurt as much but at one point, I felt I was never a part of anything successful.

  There was this once when my sister aced her examination with flying colors, and I would be lying if I said I wasn't jealous. She made my parents so proud and happy, yet what I did? I flunked. They expected so much from me and when I didn't achieve it, they were disappointed. Truly. They remain a tactful silent but I know I  didn't do great. Whenever we unexpectedly came to that topic, I would casually stray away from it. It was too upsetting to even articulate.

  But the paradise of my childhood suddenly loomed before me. How happy I was doing what I love, tried so hard to ace my Chinese exam, win almost every basketball game and most of all... I never gave up in everything I do. That made me stop in my tracks. Even though it was years ago, but I'm known for being positive at any circumstance and so far it made who I am today. I had a feeling akin to regret. But I cannot remember any instance in which this feeling prevented me from repeating it.

  I hope one day the beam of my charm would suddenly refocus on me after I succeeded. I hope I could pant a genuine smile on my parents visage and be proud of me. I hope I'll never give up in chasing my dreams no matter the circumstance. Even if I fail, I hope I would regain my confidence and turn silicon into gold someday.

Back in the game.

  I was at the age of 10 when my coach carefully selected me to join the school team, which is, kinda weird. I don't seem to fathom the possibilities of me becoming a basketball player. Clearly, because, I'm not as tall as the others. But judging by the fact that I've been chosen, actually made me happy.

  I'm into basketball as how other 10 year old would too. It's fun! However, trying to  represent the school for tournaments are not that fun when you have tough rivals by your side. Heck, my mother and father is having the fun because it seems I'm the first child whom is interested in sports.

  Fast forward, 2 years later... I made it from representing my school "Mun choong" to my state "Kuala Lumpur". Representing your state is totally different feeling compared to school. The importance and priority became solid and we are ought to follow it. It's hard to make it that far and I'm stunned that I'm able to reach it, it's no easy game, it's all pure determination.

My secondary school team, 2013. It's been almost 7 years now since I joined basketball :)

  Moving on, netball. I'm no expert in netball but I made it to school team! The thing is, I joined netball because my best friend forced me into and it seemed kinda fun. How I started? When I was 16 years old, which is last year 2012, with no knowledge whatsoever in netball, I proudly "interrupted" a training session with my best friend. Topic closed.

  Just kidding. She actually dragged me into training with her team and told me join their team for a tournament held by 'Sikh society' every year. So, why not right? Interest started to develop on its own and I'm loving it. Till now, I'm so pumped to even join the school team.

My school team, 2013. It's my very first and last year.

  And last but not least, futsal? It's something like football, but smaller field, heavier ball and less tiring for sure. When they said, "Wanna join futsal?" the first thing came on my mind was, "Why not?"

  We played for a tournament held by a sikh society as well, so it was all kind of a sudden play but we really enjoyed it. Only one training, we managed to win one game and draw one game. Pretty impressive I must say.

  Hope there's more next year, and I can't wait.

My futsal team :)

My yellow book.

  Her way of life made me wonder, "Why didn't I think of that before?". She makes clutter seem tidy, dust seem cleanly and hard seem easy. Despite everything she have been through in life, yet her charming smile never fail to help others. Well, what does not kill you makes you stronger, right? She is my solid support system I thank God for everyday. I have, as it were, the greatest sister on this planet.

  They call us twins, but we are not. Her four square glasses above her raisin eyes tore our resemblance apart, and her height made it seem like I am the elder sister. But I did not mind at all, it was fun being the taller one. Much to my believe, her habit of eating basically anything at all made her cheek chubbier and her body, curvier. Certainly she does not plan to hit the gym anytime soon because according to her, it will never work out.

  What makes her my inspiration? I remember she told me once, "Every answer has its question but not every question has its answer." But to this, it is a whole different story. It is merely impossible to put it in words better yet sentence. What she goes through in life is way complicated because sometimes, things are harder than you thought, deeper than it seem and larger than it is. Till today, not a single regret was felt and all she does is thank God for the life she have given. What is the point of crying over spilled milk when you have better things ahead of you?

  She was over the moon when I step into this world seventeen years ago. She knew exactly what her duty was and since then, she took care of me whenever I am sick. Goes through lengths to protect me from getting yelled at by my parents. Compose a tactful silence if ever I got caught. Manage to teach me additional maths although she have forgotten half of it. And, last but not least, advising me and guiding me.

  It have become a challenge when I grew slightly older and matured. All the playing games or stealing each others toy begin to fade away and now all that is left, is guiding me towards making decisions in life. Never knew that one day I would lay beside her in her room and slowly queried, "What should I do?" and as always, she would advice me. However, there is times where my stubbornness creep in and refuse to cooperate and, as expected, I would regret not listening to what she have to say. It have always been this way since there is things I feel uncomfortable to dwell on it with my parents.

  A few impression stand out vividly from the first time I felt moved by her. My father summons me to the room and told me everything what my sister have said. Becoming a doctor or a lawyer have always been my father's choice, and still is, until my sister successfully changed him from hindering my success, in something I love about. "She is more of a creative person instead of 'by the book', let her be what she wants and trust me, she will succeed in life." That brought tears to my eye. In order, therefore, not to be emotional I remain nonchalant and still in disbelief that my sister, the one who tease me, slaps me occasionally, refuse to talk to me for days and fights with me would be the one to turn my dreams into reality.

  Being two years elder than me never distance our relationship, instead it brought us closer. Never mind her hectic schedule, she will always be there for me whenever I needed her. At first, I thought writing about her was going to be a difficult task but somehow, it felt right. She knows me better than I know myself, my strength and weaknesses, laugh at TV shows together, share the same dream, dance to the same song and even love the same band. She is not just my sister, she is my best friend and I love her to death.

Pain Killer.

 

  The ultimate reason why we often find "Partying" a getaway because, simply, life is a mess. There is times where we need to unleash yourself and have fun. Which, in my book, never existed. Thanks to my not-so-brave instinct, I can't do it.

  That temptation to have a sip of vodka, party away, dance till we past out or even just one shot of tequila is stronger than an attracted magnet. Just something to get this "clutter" in my life forgotten, even for just one night.

  Everything does happen for a reason and in this case, it's nothing unusual. I don't see a better solution than this... I might sound cliche but the truth is, I can't take it anymore.

 

From Drab to Fab.

  Maybe not exactly Fabulous but I'm working on it. Before 2012 came uninvited, I was locked up in Fashion crime because whatever I feel like is gorgeous actually isn't. Most of my clothes in my closet are actually tacky and low looking but yet, people find it rather interesting. Some of them of course. Besides, I prefer wearing something more comfortable than risky. I was afraid people might judge me, so why not blend in.

  But no more. What's the point of being safe anymore? If I want to stand out, I have to create a stand out piece. That proud moment you'll have when your outfit turns heard, not a bad way of course -If so, I might be wearing shorts with tight, so 2009- I mean in a more Fashionable way.

Siti and I. Both wearing mullet skirt and I totally love it ! Mullet skirt is in trend now. 

-On her Birthday celebration,2012-

  Mullet skirt is a rather tricky one. If you paired it with a wrong top, you'll look more of a 'trying to be fab' instead of actually are one. Yet, it's risky and fun... that is what it's all about.

A silent applause from me to you.

  It goes on every child's mind, "What can I do to make my parents proud?" and I'm no exception. Seeing them flash a benevolent smile at something you've done right, gives you utter motivation to continue and of course, satisfaction.

  But what if we fail at it? What if our parents looses hope in you and leave the situation as it is? As a failure, will we stand back up? The answer is, we must.

  I've been in a situation where I felt I wasn't apart of anything successful. Neither I was the brightess student in school nor in class but the one thing I manage to have my father pad me on the shoulder, was my achievement in basketball.

  Was it enough to make them proud? I'm guessing no. It's been a while after I sat for my examination -PMR- and I didn't achieve as expected. I remember shedding tears every night, every time I shower and sometimes, I felt I let everyone down, especially my parents.

  I knew deep down they were proud of me but I also knew they wished I could have done better. That fact literally kill me, but it didn't let me down hard. I stood back up on my feet and in my perspective, I did.

  I have many other responsibilities but making my parents proud is one I ought to succeed in. My goals in life might not please my father or mother but I assure to do my best in it and be the best I can be.

See beneath it all.

  Writing about life is tough, there's just so many to point out. Yet, all those meaningful quotes came from a story, someone's story and they began painting the journey of life..

  I couldn't articulate how it feels like to be in my shoes. It's neither a great thing nor a bad thing, it's just how it is. The idea of describing and putting into words felt like a challenge, better yet explain it. In order, therefore, not to be tedious I shall be honest. The issue here is, where to begin?

  Since I'm a student, it's easier to start of with that. Have you ever cried so hard in the middle of the night after reminiscing, a painful truth, that you fail to make your parents proud? I do. That feeling of fear that you'll repeat your horrible mistake again, that excruciating pain down your throat, stomach tangled and the only thing to make you feel better is to scream, literally killed me after my dad gave up hopes on me.

  According to my sister, I'm the most determine of all, yet, my effort is never promising. What should I do? Answer is, self motivation. Despite all the shit I've gone through to make my parents proud, I haven't seen a single genuine smile on their visage, it hurts, truly. Well, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, am I right? At first, I took it the hard way and gave up. What I fail to realize is that it doesn't get better, it only aggravates. Somehow, I manage to rebuild my confidence in succeeding in my life, especially reaching for my giant size goals and most vital, planting a genuine grin on my parents face.

  Moving on, family struggles. Blood is thicker than water, and I believe that saying is true. I don't fathom those who runaway from home because of misunderstood. I've always been misunderstood, yet I stayed through it all. Imagine I'm always judge by my dressing, the way I look at life and on top of it, financial difficulties my family face fail to complete my demands, somehow, I took it positively. Whats more important? Family is. I'll be dead in sorrow, speechless, shocked and devastated if they're not by my side. It's simply unimaginable.

  It's fair to say that I've hated the obstacle and fail demands, but after listening to my dad's side of the story. I felt guilty. If I were in his shoes, I'll pray for my child to understand and with just that, it'll help the situation better.

  I strongly believe that everything happens for a reason, so I'll just move on with this Happy-go-lucky disguise and make the most out of it. Like they say, the happiest person in this world, hides the deepest story.