The agony and bewilderment with which I awoke after a tossing half sleep. It was a tad cumbersome to fall asleep last night after a nightmarish affair, I was devastated. My initial reaction to my problem was to cry, but I guess it did not come in handy. It has been a while since I felt this way, I suddenly became indecisive of my choice and regretted every decision I made. Almost felt like I have disappointed everyone, including myself.
"What's your dream?" I baffled whenever I've been queried the same question. My answer was still in the middle of an oscillation that had many pro's and con's, I was torn apart. I have big dreams, massive to be precise! However, I have to muscle my way through various obligations to achieve it. It's tough in my perspective especially when you don't want to let your parents down and of course, yourself.
Ever tried so hard that in the end, it just didn't work out? Everything shattered into pieces. All your hard work is in vain. Yet, you thought to yourself, "I should have tried harder." but it trickled back. I mean how many times will take to get it right? The harder you try, the worst it gets. Then I learn to never force something that is not meant to be. For example, setting a target you'll never reach.
Giving up hope is the easiest thing to do but the aftermath of it is definitely hard to cope. It is with that kind of fear that I begin loosing the optimistic side of me. I have, as it were, a strong determination that is about to disappear. A few impression stand out vividly from the times I merely gave up and of course the lessons I have learnt from it. I wish I could have forgotten it but it came haunting me whenever I tried. I demurred I would ever brush aside away.
Driven by demons, I could drive those around me to fury and despair. I let everyone down, especially the ones who had hope and faith in me that I would somehow make it in this fast pacing world. At first it didn't hurt as much but at one point, I felt I was never a part of anything successful.
There was this once when my sister aced her examination with flying colors, and I would be lying if I said I wasn't jealous. She made my parents so proud and happy, yet what I did? I flunked. They expected so much from me and when I didn't achieve it, they were disappointed. Truly. They remain a tactful silent but I know I didn't do great. Whenever we unexpectedly came to that topic, I would casually stray away from it. It was too upsetting to even articulate.
But the paradise of my childhood suddenly loomed before me. How happy I was doing what I love, tried so hard to ace my Chinese exam, win almost every basketball game and most of all... I never gave up in everything I do. That made me stop in my tracks. Even though it was years ago, but I'm known for being positive at any circumstance and so far it made who I am today. I had a feeling akin to regret. But I cannot remember any instance in which this feeling prevented me from repeating it.
I hope one day the beam of my charm would suddenly refocus on me after I succeeded. I hope I could pant a genuine smile on my parents visage and be proud of me. I hope I'll never give up in chasing my dreams no matter the circumstance. Even if I fail, I hope I would regain my confidence and turn silicon into gold someday.
